A Blessed Wedding

Well, I'm going to do something really wild and crazy tonight. I'm going to talk about marriage on Sunday night to this group. Actually, I'm going to talk about a blessed wedding, and I'm going to talk about that blessed wedding from the book of Song of Solomon. Now, that's why this is so risky, especially with this crowd. Half of you just about got ready to get up and head for the back door. The other half got more interested in what this message is going to be about. On Sunday nights, I like to just pick individual messages, not preach series or anything. Just whatever the Lord is laying on my heart at that time. I like to alternate between old and new testaments to give us a good balanced diet. I've food from the Word. I guess I've had my mind on weddings for the past three or four weeks. I was a part of one of the most enjoyable weddings I've ever been a part of. Back on the second weekend of July, Hannah Preservati's wedding. Just counseling them through the counseling time and their wedding was such a joy. I've been thinking about that ever since. And then, Jeannie and I celebrated our anniversary in July. So I had my mind on weddings. And this passage kind of caught my heart. A survey was done a number of years ago that came to this conclusion. 80% of all relationships where people live together without marriage vows. 60% of marriages performed by justice of the peace end in divorce. 40% of marriages and churches typically end in divorce. For couples who read their Bible or pray together, it is less than one thousand, thousand of the people who are in the church. It is less than one thousand of a percent. It is one in one thousand and fifty. Less than one one thousand of a percent for those who read their Bible or pray together as a couple. So it should be obvious just from those statistics that the most important bond in a marriage is spiritual. The physical bond, even the emotional bond, is not likely to hold a marriage together over time. And so over time, when marriages are built only on the physical or the emotional attraction, that's why there are so many divorces. There are lots of other reasons. It's more complex than that. But when there is a spiritual bond, when there is a oneness in Christ, the chances of divorce are almost non-existent. I want to give it to a song of Solomon. If you can find it in your Bible, it's right after Ecclesiastes, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, right before Isaiah. It's just a little book. And it's one that we don't deal with a whole lot. I've taught several marriage retreats in a few places and have done the song of Solomon the whole book on several occasions. And it's a very fascinating book about the relationship between Solomon and his bride. And I know immediately when that's said, people get skeptical. Solomon and his bride, which one? He had like 700 and 300 concubines, which bride? But this obviously is the relationship that Solomon had very young in his life before all of those political arrangements as king were made with other nations. And that's where a lot of those brides came from. The book really is four snapshots of a relationship. Snapshot one is in chapters one and two. And there's some controversy among scholars about this. But I take the view that it is of their courtship. It is of their time when they are getting to know one another and they're courting one another. Chapters three and four are a snapshot of their wedding and their wedding night. Chapters five and six are a snapshot of a little bit later in their marriage where they have a problem of misunderstanding and how they work that out. And then chapters seven and eight are well into the maturity of their marriage when they take an excursion back to the country to her hometown. And their relationship and the building of their relationship in that time away is the subject of those two chapters. I want to focus up on chapter three tonight, verses six through 11. And the kind of wedding that God blesses often in this second snapshot in the marriage when I'm doing a couples retreat. I will focus on the wedding night in chapter four. That's a little awkward in a setting in a church service like this. And so I want to focus on chapter three and the marriage ceremony that is described here. And it is much more than a wedding ceremony that's described. It is actually what goes into or what should go into a marriage and a wedding that will be blessed by God. Now again, I realize that this may sound totally out of place for this audience. Most of you are thinking, come on John, you've been married 40 years, 50 years, 100 years, whatever. You're going to do a message on what a wedding should be like. Give me a break. Well, you've got children and grandchildren that are getting married, right? Okay, some of you great grandchildren getting married. But you've got people in your family getting married. And you have the position of a wise elder statesman or stateswoman to be able to give some wise counsel to your children, who are entering into this phase of their lives and into a marriage relationship. And I'll tell you, marriages, weddings are crazy today. It's the reason why the one I recently did was so refreshing. It's not to put a bad reflection on others that I've been involved in recently. But this one was done right. It was done right by the couple. And it was just so refreshing. Weddings are absolutely crazy today. Young couples do not understand what a wedding should be. They do not understand for a great part what marriage should be. And they don't certainly don't understand what a wedding should be. Anymore, weddings are all about the party. I find more and more that premarital counseling is endured. And the crafting of a wedding ceremony to honor Christ is just... An unnecessary nagging detail that has to be done. And really very little thought or effort is given toward the actual spiritual focus of a ceremony. It's all about the party afterwards. And so weddings have become, for that reason, quite distressing for me. I've been in ministry this last month, 41 years. And I've done a ton of weddings, you know, average 5, 10 a year. So I've done hundreds of weddings. I've seen just about everything that can happen in a wedding. And I tell you, weddings are more distressing for me in these days than they ever have been. And so I think it's one reason why I just wanted to come back to this. And since to be quite honest, this goes over the heads of young people today. I felt like maybe where I need to give this instruction is in this thing. With those of you who have opportunity to counsel your children and grandchildren and have some input into what a wedding will look like, and hopefully what a marriage will look like. Many of my thoughts, the direction of these thoughts this evening have come from Tommy Nelson's excellent commentary on... on a song of Solomon called a Book of Romance. Tommy Nelson is a pastor in Denton, Texas, Denton Bible Church. That does a lot of seminars on college campuses all over the country on the Book of Song of Solomon. He's written the fine work, more recent work on this book. There are several components. I'm going to give you five this evening of a blessed wedding. A blessed wedding is marked first of all by a sense of God's leading. A sense of God's leading. We're in chapter three, begin with verse six. This is a description of Solomon coming to his wedding, actually showing up at his wedding. The last verse of the chapter talks about him coming on the day of his wedding, but verse six starts it this way. Who is this coming up from the wilderness like a column of smoke? Now, you say, well, what does it have to do with God's leading? It probably is talking about, literally, Solomon appearing in his chariot, but the terminology coming up from the wilderness like a column of smoke, by its very wording, harkens the Jewish mind back to the wilderness wanderings of Israel. And the fact that in the wilderness, God led them through a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day. The very wording of this would cause one to think of that divine leading, the divine direction toward this wedding. Here is language that speaks to every Jew of the most incredible story of God's leading in their nation's history, and that is God leading them through the wilderness. This pillar, this cloud that would appear by day and would lead them through the wilderness. And as it's tied to this wedding day, the terminology is so significant in the sense that it is God's leading him, Solomon, God's leading to this point in his life. And so if I may make that application tonight, which I think is valid, every young couple should sense God's leading up to the point of their marriage. That God is leading them. And as you reflect back up on your marriage, if you can remember that far back, if you reflect upon your marriage, think about and rejoice in tonight, God's leading to that point. And even if as one of the favorite wedding songs of this day is true in your experience, the broken road, God led you along a broken road to get to where you were with your mate, even if that was the case with you, rejoice in the difficulties and trials that God used to bring you together. I think couples and parents and grandparents encourage your children and grandchildren to start here seeking God's guidance. Pray about whom you should marry. Pray about God developing that person and preparing that person and preparing you for that wedding. I think every young couple should be convinced that God brought them together, that God cultivated the love in their hearts and put that there and grew it, that God designed them to spend their lives together. I think every young couple should know that this is God's leading, this is God's doing, that God has directed us through the wilderness, through our teenage years up to the point where he has brought this about. A blessed marriage is a union of two people coming together whom God has prepared for each other, God has led together and God has put together and God has caused the love to grow in their hearts for each other. That is a blessed wedding. A wedding is not just a legal transaction. A wedding is not just a party with friends. A wedding is a sacred time where you publicly recognize God's leading in your lives and commitment up to that point. That is one reason why in every wedding I do as a part of the wedding prayer toward the end of the ceremony. I will always thank God for leading this couple together, whether or not they recognize that I want to get that into the ceremony. God has ordained this, God has put this together, God has led them together. I want them to get that, I want them to see that, I want them to have that in their hearts. That a wedding is two people who are brought together under God's leading and I think there should be some public recognition of God's leading in their lives and their commitment to him to lead from this time forward. If God is the author of your marriage, maybe he will also be the finisher of your marriage and here's how I mean that. The Bible tells us he's the author and finisher of our faith. He's the one who authored our faith, he's the one who led us to faith and thus he is the one who will finish it where in glory in heaven. He's the one that will cause us to finish the finish line, cross the finish line and see him and meet him in heaven at the wedding supper of the Lamb. Same thing should be true of marriage. If God offers it, then God will finish it in death. A sense of God's leading is so critical to a blessed wedding. The second mark of a blessed wedding is a spirit of celebration and joy, a spirit of celebration and joy. Look again at verse six, who is this coming up from the wilderness like a column of smoke, perfumed with mirrored and incense made from all the spices of the merchant. Now these kind of ointments and perfumes in ancient times, in Biblical times, were used for special celebrations. They were not daily parts of a person's hygiene. Not like we do today. A person only used ointments and perfumes on special occasions, special celebrations. This would communicate an atmosphere of joy, an atmosphere of celebration. And I think a wedding should have an atmosphere of joy and celebration. I love the wedding that Tommy Nelson talks about in one of the weddings he did in Dallas, Texas. I'm just going to read a part of it to you. This is one of the best weddings I've ever seen was one in which I participated at first Baptist Church in Dallas a number of years ago. The groom was a leader of the Hispanic community in Greater Dallas and a member of our church in Benton, he married a lovely woman who was also Hispanic. Everything about their wedding had a decidedly Hispanic flair. Now you know, Hispanics are very joyful celebratory people. It's that kind of culture. Here's how their wedding went. After another pastor and I walked to the front of the church, Trumpets began blaring at the back of the church. People entered bearing Christian banners, which they brought forward to the front and they posted those banners up at the front of the church. Then came the dancing girls. Yes, dancing girls right there in the sanctuary at first Baptist. Now please understand this is what's called interpretive worship dance. I've seen it done before and it can be done very appropriately. He says these were young girls that were floating and twirling and joyful praise all the way to the front of the church. Then came the bride's maids and groomsmen, all of whom looked radiant and joyful. Then the bride and her father walked down the aisle in great fanfare with the entire congregation on its feet. The father proclaimed loudly all things have been done in order. This man has courted and loved and done honorably by my daughter. Then he cried to the back of the sanctuary. Receive your wife. The back door swung open and the joyful groom ran up the aisle to stand before me with his beloved. What a day. What a celebration. He says I would love to have been at that wedding. That was a great celebration. We got a little bit of a flare of a Hispanic wedding with our daughter Ruth's wedding marrying Hispanic young man from Chicago family from Puerto Rico. Some of you may remember that wedding. They really wanted it to be a Hispanic wedding and we had to we had to kind of say wait a second. There are two cultures coming together here and the wedding is going to be in West Virginia. So we had to pull the reins back just a little bit as parents knowing that if we allowed a full Hispanic wedding in Johnston Chapel, you would still be recovering. So most of the Hispanic elements we included were in the reception. Once we got done with the reception, I wish we had done more Hispanic elements. It was so joyful with the open mic. People celebrating with Robert and Ruth. And I remember one of their young men and their youth group who has gone on to have quite a career in music. He wrote a song on the napkin as he was sitting there and got up and sang it to them. I mean it was that kind of celebratory atmosphere. And I will never forget the blessing of the grandfather's when all the grandfather's led in prayer, including Robert's grandfather who cannot speak English and prayed in Spanish. It was just a very joyful celebratory atmosphere. Maybe Hispanics know how to do weddings better than we do. There should be some kind of spirit of joy and celebration in a wedding where you know God has brought two people together. There should be some praise and laughter, a warm atmosphere with family and friends celebrating God's goodness. There are always going to be glitches. I don't know that I've ever been in a wedding that went off perfectly without some glitch. There are always be glitches in the details leading up to it. Maybe some glitch in the ceremony. I always tell couples something will go wrong. You will laugh about it 10 years from now. You won't laugh about it today, but you'll laugh about it 10 years from now. Just let it go. There should be some even in the midst of those glitches. There should be a focus on the love and happiness shared between two people who God has brought together. There should be a spirit of joy and celebration, the kind that was honored and celebrated in Bible times with murder, incense, and spices and perfumes. A third mark of a blessed marriage is this, a supportive atmosphere. I'm talking about those who are involved in the wedding. Could I counsel you as parents and grandparents to encourage your children and grandchildren to carefully choose the people who will stand with them in their wedding? That it should not just be a random choice. That it should be a careful choice of people who are supportive of them and who will support their marriage. The little thought is given to that, but notice how it happens here, verses 7 and 8. Look, it is Solomon's carriage escorted by 60 warriors, the noblest of Israel, all of them wearing the sword, all experienced in battle, each with his sword at his side prepared for the terrors of the night. The terrors of the night would be a surprise attack on the king because there's a bit of a letdown security in the empire with the king getting married. And so these men are ready to be supportive. Imagine this wedding, 60 groomsmen and all of them armed. Nobody is going to object to this wedding. No, no. But there's really more here. It is that sense of providing security, safety, and protection. People who are with you in a wedding, people who stand with your children and grandchildren in their weddings, ought to be the kind of people who are supportive, who will provide security, who will provide accountability, who will call them to account about whether or not they are fulfilling their wedding vows. That's the way it ought to be in a wedding. The relationship of a couple getting married should not be one such that the ones closest to them and standing up with them are standing there thinking, I really hope this works. She doesn't know what she's getting into. He sure doesn't know what he's getting in a wife. Or they're going to need a lot of help if they're going to make it. The people standing with you should not be thinking those kinds of things. They should be committed to your wedding and to your marriage. One of the most awesome things I've ever seen happened before the wedding I had three or four weeks ago. I enjoyed getting to know Hannah's fiance, a wonderful young man whose father is a music pastor in the suburbs of DC in Northern Virginia. He'd come to Bluefield College and that's where they met. As I counseled them, I just got to know him as a really dedicated young man who really loves the Lord. Something that happened before the wedding, it was an outdoor wedding at Gladesprings and the groomsmen and the groom were in the clubhouse of the golf course and in the men's area in there. I walked in and they're all sitting at the table playing cards and I'd joked with Josh about whether or not he was losing all of his honeymoon money. He assured me no money was involved. This was a good Christian just front fun game cards and they were having a great time and enjoying it. We got a little closer to the time where we were supposed to go out and get in the little bus and right over to the place where the wedding was going to be. Something amazing happened. One of the groomsmen said, guys, he spoke to all the other guys, about eight of them I think in the wedding said, let's all gather around Josh and let's pray for him. Now I've often recommended that but I don't think I've ever had the groomsmen initiate that. This is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. They gathered around him, all eight of them, strong believers, gathered around Josh, laid hands on him and prayed some of the most genuine heartfelt prayers for Josh and Danielle and their wedding and their marriage that I have ever heard. They said, John, we want you to close and I could hardly speak when I heard all eight of those guys praying from their hearts. It was one of the most awesome things I had ever experienced at a wedding and the wedding they haven't started yet. But I could tell Josh chose these young men who were young men. They weren't there for the party. They did not care if the car got decorated. That was not the issue with them. The issue with them was to lay hands on their friend and pray for his protection and blessing and for God to be on him and their marriage. And that just blessed my socks off to see that kind. Actually, I kept my socks on but it blessed my heart tremendously to see that kind of supportive atmosphere, a spiritually supportive atmosphere from the people who were involved in that wedding. It was a great blessing. That's the way it ought to be. A supportive atmosphere, not necessarily 60 armed men, but people who will form a shield around you, who will protect, who will guard, who will make sure that your wedding is what it ought to be. Take care of the details so that you don't have to worry about that. That's the way it ought to be. That's a blessed wedding. Let me give you a fourth characteristic of a blessed wedding. And that is the strength of the groom. The strength of the groom. And I think this is very much needed in our day. Verse 9. Daughters of Jerusalem, come out and look, you daughters of Zion. Now this speaks of strength on the part of Solomon. It speaks on the strength of the man in the relationship and it's not just that he built this chariot. That's not the idea. It's not that if you're not gifted as a carpenter, you can't really have male strength. That's not the issue. This is an evidence of his strength as a man. Let me suggest a couple of very important areas where men need to provide strength in relationships today and need to go into marriage providing this strength for their bride and for their families. Men need the strength to lead their homes. I'm going to say a couple of things tonight that are a little old-fashioned. I think maybe there is old-fashioned as the Bible is. And we've gotten away from them. Men need to lead their homes. They need to lead with character. They need to lead with a character that has some substance that is willing to provide spiritual leadership and direction. This kind of strength that builds a home, that builds a family. In 1979, a psychiatrist by the name of Pierre Morelle wrote a book called Passive Men Wild Women. You say, what kind of book is that? Here's the premise of his book. I read about it in some of Chuck Swindall's material. This man said this, If a man is not the same at home as he is at work, the wife will become angry and aggressive. Often men are creative, zealous, ambitious at work, and passive at home. They put all of their energy and focus into work where they are great leaders and come home and don't want to make any decisions. Absolutely passive. He said that as a setup for that man to lose respect and the wife to take over. And you surf the role of leadership in the home which the man has abandoned. I think he's right. Now I certainly believe that a man and a wife both ought to feel more relaxed at home, more yourself at home, especially if you've worked hard at all to be a place where you can find some refuge and rest. I certainly understand that. But men who have great vision and enthusiasm and diligence and creativity at work and come home and don't do a thing to lead their families, are setting their families up for disaster and presenting their children with an awful example of what a home should be. And so men, lead your home. There was a famed still kind of famous but more off the scenes now. Feminist back in the 70s and so forth. Glorious Steinem. You remember her? Listen to what she said. When she was really pushing the women's rights movement and equality and that kind of thing, she said this. The feminist movement. She said, we women have finally become the men we always wanted to marry. Hmm. What a statement. We women have finally become the men we always wanted to marry. You know what she's saying? We wanted men who would lead their homes. We married men who would be the leaders in our relationship and they wouldn't do it. So we're going to do it. Now that was a wrong response, a wrong reaction. But maybe it was brought about to a great degree in our culture by passive men. Solomon shows the kind of strength which every man needs to build in another area and that is to build his home. So men have the strength to lead your home. Secondly, have the strength to provide for your family. I said that I was going to say some old-fashioned things tonight. That may sound very old-fashioned. That a man provides for his family. Now I understand the culture in which we live today. I understand we are no longer Aussie and Harriet. I understand that in most cases, especially with young couples in order to make ends meet, both will be in the workplace. I fully understand that. And I also understand that a woman may choose to be in the workplace beyond those early years. Right on through her career, there's absolutely nothing unbiblical about that. But a man still needs to show his wife that he loves her enough to provide for her and care for her. Ephesians 5 teaches that plainly. If I can find it, it's an New Testament, isn't it? Ephesians 5 says this in verse 28, in the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body. But they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the church. In other words, they nourish and they provide for take care of. That's a natural reaction that we all have. And that is to nourish and take care of, protect our own bodies. If something threatens us, we swing into protection mode instinctively, automatically. We have a built-in sense of hunger that will drive us to nourish our bodies if there is any genuine hunger in our lives, which probably there really isn't very much of. But still, there's that instinct when something is troubling us to move into nourish and protect and care mode. And what the Bible teaches is that is the husband's role to love his wife as Christ loved the church. And he says, as our body, as our own body, love your wife as a part of yourself, so nourish her. Give something to the relationship that nourishes your wife and protect her. So, lead your home and provide for your family. It's not talking about the fact that a wife can't work outside the home or anything like that. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about husbands, have a biblical responsibility not only to lead their homes, but to provide for their families and particularly for their wives. A good wedding starts with a strong groom, a groom who is committed to leading his family and nourishing and caring for his wife. And then finally, a blessed marriage also includes the sanction of the parents, verse 11. Come out and look, you daughters of Zion. Look on King Solomon wearing a crown, the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced. This wedding crown, this crown that was given by the mother of the groom to the groom on his wedding day, was a custom of Old Testament times. It demonstrated the approval of this marriage on the part of the groom's mother and father, that the groom's parents were in approval. It was a public sign that they were giving their approval to him, leaving them and establishing a new home. And in the same way, a wife, a woman, would be crowned with a wedding veil that would be placed on her by her father, indicating the same thing, that we are in approval of this wedding and we give our blessing to our daughter being married to this man. The approval of parents is essential, I believe, for a good marriage, only in rare exceptions. The weddings and marriages survive when both sets of parents are not supportive and not in approval. We indicate that today in different ways, we indicate it by both sets of parents coming up and lighting a candle which will then be joined into a unity candle. We do it by the father giving away his daughter to the groom. Sometimes that's done a little differently in both sets of parents or a part of that. We find ways to do that in our own wedding ceremonies, in biblical times it was the crown on the groom's head and the veil on the bride's head that communicated that. When I do premarital counseling, I begin with a session that basically is just, let's get to know each other. I want to find out what you want, what you're looking for, I'm going to give you six different wedding ceremonies, you can cut and paste, you can pick one if you want them, I'm going to talk you through the wedding policy, but I'm also going to ask you some questions. In that first session, before we really do any counseling, I ask them some major questions. Some of them are fun, some of them are not fun, but I've found by experience they all need to be asked. So I ask them different questions, like, are you living together? Is there a pregnancy involved? Is there a divorce? And if so, is it final yet? Because I've gotten burned on that. But one of the questions I always ask them are both sets of parents, both of your parents, in approval of this marriage. Because if they are not, I will strongly counsel them to wait until they are. Are both sets of parents in support of this marriage? And only in rare occasions where there are some real family issues that you would not expect the parents to even be involved, will I proceed without some strong counsel? You see, couples need to get to know each other's families, don't they? And many of you know this from experience, well, although this from experience, if we're married, we get to know each other's families and must get to know each other's families. But hopefully have their approval before a wedding and you can initiate that with your grandson, your granddaughter, when they start dating and they start moving toward marriage, you get to know the person. You get to know that person, that they're hopefully going to be married to. We all marry into a family, don't we? And even if we don't have a lot of contact with that family, that family is who shaped your mate. So that family comes into your marriage relationship, whether or not the parents are still alive even. You marry into the family because it was those parents that formed all the childhood memories of your mate. It was those parents who influenced them with all of their values and their beliefs that were built into them by their parents. If you're uncomfortable with the family, you better second guess whether or not you should take the daughter or the son of that family. Obviously there are exceptions, but often there are many unresolved issues that will then come to contaminate the marriage because you do marry into the family. Regardless of whether or not the parents are even there, they're represented in the mate that you're getting. Well, these five marks of a blessed marriage, I think, are something that we can all benefit from in our own marriages, but certainly in our counsel to our children and grandchildren. They contribute to making a wedding day, a day of blessing and joy. The five's coming together who have prepared well, who have thought not only about the party after the ceremonies, get the ceremony done as quickly as we can. We're going to have a six hour party here. People who thought more about what it means to put a life together. A sense of God's leading to that point, spirit of celebration and joy in God's blessing, a supportive atmosphere by those who will support you and hold you accountable to your marriage, the strength of the groom to lead his home and provide for his family and the sanction and blessing of parents. Those are important ingredients in a blessed wedding. Make sure you cover those with your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren and help them to know what it means to prepare wisely. Let's pray. Father, thank you for the instruction of your word on very basic issues. Certainly your word touches every part of our lives. We pray, Father, that we will take this example of a blessed wedding in your word and use it to help us frame and instruct our children and grandchildren as to how they should look for mates, how they should prepare for a life together, and how they should think about their wedding being a symbol of your blessing and guidance in their lives. We ask in Jesus' name, amen.